She Really Loves QuarkXPress

Back in 1996, I was reading the Macintosh conference in the Café Utne online community. One of the users, in discussing her Macintosh activities, wrote:

I am pretty well-versed in Photoshop and Illustrator, but I spend most of my life with Quark, which I would marry if it wasn't an application.

I wrote this in response.

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(Scene: A small office with a wooden desk. A door leads left into a hallway. On the desk is a Quadra 700 with a PlainTalk microphone and some AppleDesign speakers.)

(Enter KIRSTEN, closing the door behind her. In speaking, KIRSTEN addresses the microphone.)

KIRSTEN: Quark, I want to talk about (swallows) -- about us.

QUARK: Look, Kirsten, I think I know how you feel. But you have to understand -- it could never work out. I haven't wanted to publicize it too much, but -- I have to tell you. I'm an application.

KIRSTEN: (gasping) Oh, no. I had no idea.

QUARK: Yes, yes it's true. I'm not in a relationship now, I just broke up with Corelle Draw.

KIRSTEN (recovering): Listen, Quark, there are clinics -- psychologists -- they can help you.

QUARK (interrupting): Do you think I haven't tried? I spent a year in therapy with Eliza. But being an application isn't something you can unlearn, it isn't learned in the first place. I always knew as I was growing up that I was an application. I was always attracted to other programs. It took me a long time to accept, but now I know that I was compiled that way.

KIRSTEN: But you could at least try -- try for me. Don't you want to live a normal life?

QUARK: Look, Kirsten, I really like and respect you, as a colleague and as a friend. But you have to accept that you're never going to walk down that aisle and become Mrs. XPress. That's just the way it is, and I'm sorry it had to come to this.

(KIRSTEN bursts into tears, slams open the door and exits left.)