A FidoNet Oracle Question

In high school I ran a Fidonet node, 1:204/1154, "The Angevin Empire." (I was very interested in medieval history at the time.) I came up with this Usenet Oracle question in 1992. Of course, I don't know who wrote the answer.

It was not published in the Oracularities, but I liked it. Missing the point about the "secret code" was rather irksome, though.

---

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Usenet Oracle, whose wisdom is even better than unequalled, please tell me:
> 
> I was doing a little comparison shopping and so I asked one of your 
> competitors the following question:
> 
> > From:    Supplicant User
> > To:      Fidonet Oracle                         Msg #15, 27-Jun-92 00:05
> > Dest:    Oracle HQ (1:125/1.0) Olympus OL
> > Subject: Tell me
> > 
> > O Fidonet Oracle, whose wisdom is unequalled, please tell me:
> > 
> > How can I get an A on my philosophy exam?
> 
> And he responded,
> 
> > From:    Fidonet Oracle
> > Origin:  Oracle HQ (1:125/1.0) Olympus OL       Msg #16, 27-Jun-92 00:28
> > To:      Supplicant User
> > Subject: Here is the answer you requested:
> >
> > 13, 156 388 897.  49: 20 456, 26 34 5/89 233.  14?  38 17 3.
> >
> > 543 38 87.
> 
> Can you please elaborate for me?
> 
> Also, since I got this answer I've been wondering if you farm questions 
> out to subcontractors, especially questions about Life, the Universe, 
> and Everything.
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 
} The Usenet Oracle regrets that it cannot take offer any service for
} equipment or answers supplied by foreign contractors.
} Please note par. 1 of your contract which states:
}     'Thou shalt not have any Oracle besides me nor shalt thou grovel before
}     them!'
} This applies in particular for the so-called Fidonet Oracle.
} As everybody knows, Fidonet is nothing but a bunch of would-like-to-be
} wiz-kids wondering if Mummy will give them another new MS-DOS computer for
} next christmas. (Otherwise they're mostly harmless.)
} As a partial answer to your question, the Usenet Oracle in its infinite
} mercy however provides you with the following statement:
}     You want to get an 'A' in your philosophy exam and still believe
}     in Oracles? Ha ha ha ha!
} You owe the Oracle a pocket calculator.
} 
} (A very angry-looking Oracle has finished typing the answer to the supp-
} licant's question. He then takes his Oracular phone, all marble with a
} platinum dial and a golden receiver, muttering "E-Mail is to good for
} them!")
} 
} Oracle (dialing 999-FIDO-RACLE): Hello? Hello? Yes, this is the Usenet
}         Oracle. Yes, I'd like to have the Fidonet-Oracle on the phone.
}         Quick. I said Quick!
} ...
}         Yes. Hello? Well, Mr. Fidorallici! Can you guess, why I'm calling?
}         That supplicant... Yes. Have you ever read your contract? Would
}         you mind reading over pages 7237465 to 7237488? It states expli-
}         citly, that *never* and under *no* circumstances are you allowed
}         to answer questions on your own!
}         And not enough, you had to give him the true answer in our secret
}         code! You were just lucky that he didn't manage to decrypt it!
} ...
}         No, we cannot allow a 'single case', Mr. Fido! It's strict company
}         policy, and you know what happened to that poor guy called 'Bitnet-
}         Oracle'? You remember him? 'Biffy' as we called him? Well, I guess
}         that he's still where the guys put him... It's *very* difficult to
}         swim away with a block of concrete at you feet... Sicily, yes.
}         Well, you know, I'm still fond of that mediterranean region. Would
}         you prefer Venice or Athenes, Mr. Fido? Oh, yes, at the moment we
}         have got Split as a special offer!
} ...
}         Well, Mr. Fido, I'm glad that you seem to become reasonable! I
}         really wouldn't want to have to send the guys round again! They're
}         always so *rough* with people, understand what I mean?
} ...
}         Fine, Mr. Fido. Fine! All I can say! Ah, and before I forget -
}         you will have to answer twice as many questions for me from
}         now on.
} ...
}         No, it is *not* impossible, Mr. Fido! A few nightshifts will do,
}         I guess... And you see, somebody's got to take the questions poor
}         Biffy isn't any longer able to answer! And the guys are always
}         *so* nervous all the time...
} ...
}         I knew that. Good-bye, Mr. Fido!
} 
} Lisa! Lisa! Pack a few things, we're making a trip to the mediterranean!
} Yes darling, you remember I promised you that once these dudes do all
} this answering for me, we'd go on holiday! How 'bout Delphi, for example?
} And Vice, Venice, Sicily... Meet old friends, you know? Great! See you in
} ten minutes at the car!
} 
} On second thought, you also owe the Oracle a truckload of concrete.

Aaron Priven's silly spiritual lyrics

At U.C. Santa Cruz there are internal forums for discussion of various topics. This is a quote from one ("Free-Stuff," where people offer items not worth selling).

It's probably filled with so many in-jokes that nobody will understand it, but I don't expect anybody to read this Web page anyway.

I still like the words I wrote to "Very Last Day."

---

--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 214 (10 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  1:03am
From: Aaron Priven (aaronrp@b) (aaronrp@ucscb)
Subject: i am currently the most senior

aaron on b.  I'm the aaron chair!  I have seniority!  I am the superaaron!
All hail before Aaron the Rp!  Aaron II!  And if I do say so... Aaron B!!!

sorry.

 =Aaron= (of course)
--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 215 (9 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  9:09am
From: Priced to GOOooOooOOOoo (uberman@ucscb)
Subject: hmph


but are you the UberAaron?



didn't think so.

--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 216 (8 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  10:21am
From: Otter (otter@ucscb)
Subject: of course


no.
er, Not. 

too many letters

--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 219 (5 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  1:52pm
From: Aaron Priven (aaronrp@b) (aaronrp@ucscb)
Subject: not only am I the UberAaron,

I'm also free, which makes this totally appropriate to this node.

The Aaron is dead!  Long live the Aaron!
 
 =Aaron=
--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 220 (4 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  6:56pm
From: Priced to GOOooOooOOOoo (uberman@ucscb)
Subject: 'When Aaron was in Egypt-land,


let my Aaron go.'

:\

--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 222 (2 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  8:36pm
From: Aaron Priven (aaronrp@b) (aaronrp@ucscb)
Subject: I looked over Aaron and what did I see,

coming for to carry me home?
A Mod Soc major lookin' after me,
coming for to carry me home.

---
Aaron Priven bound in jail.
      _All_night_long_.
For tellin that long tall tale.
      _All night long_.
For tellin' that, long tall tale.
      _All night long_.
Aaron, deliver, for me-ee.

---

Oh sinner man, where ya gonna run to?
Oh sinner man, where ya gonna run to?
Oh sinner man, where ya gonna run to?
All on that day.

Run to the dorm, dorm won't ya hide me?
Run to the dorm, dorm won't ya hide me?
Run to the dorm, dorm won't ya hide me?
All on that day.

Run to BC, Van won't ya hide me?
Run to BC, Van won't ya hide me?
Run to BC, Van won't ya hide me?
All on that day.

Run to Unix B, B won't ya hide me?
Run to Unix B, B won't ya hide me?
Run to Unix B, B won't ya hide me?
All on that day.

Aaron said, Sinner man, dorm'll be evicted;
Aaron said, Sinner man, BC'll be freezing;
Aaron said, Sinner man, B will be off-line;
All on that day.

---

Oh I will walk with, that Aaron P.
Down by the riverside,
Down by the riverside,
Down by the riverside.
Oh I will walk with, that Aaron P.
Down by the riverside,
And study Nat Sci no more.

Oh I will study Nat Sci no more.
I will study Nat Sci no more.
Study Nat Sci no more...

-----------

I have more spirituals and lots and lots more folk songs around here
somewhere...
 
 =Aaron=
--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 223 (1 left): Tue Nov 12, 1991  9:58pm
From: Priced to GOOooOooOOOoo (uberman@ucscb)
Subject: the cult of aaron


cheap, but not free.
banshee can collect the souls for ya.

--------
[ Free-Stuff ] Message 224 (0 left): Wed Nov 13, 1991  12:05am
From: Aaron Priven (aaronrp@b) (aaronrp@ucscb)
Subject: Go tell it over the tee-vee

Over the air, and in the living rooms;
Go, tell it on the tee-vee
That Aaron P. is come

Down in that lonely lobby,
The Aaron watches alone;
He waits until the Star-Trek
Viewers come to atone. (Hallelujah!)

Go tell it on the tee-vee
Over the air, and in the living rooms;
Go tell it on the tee-vee
That Aaron P. is come.
---
Everybody gonna pray on the very last day
When they hear that Aaron spelled with a double A
Everybody gonna pray to the Aaron on Spelling Bee Day
Well you can sing about the Noah Webster
And you can talk about the OED
But if they spell my name with double R's they'll lose the spelling bee...
I don't ask much, okay:
Just spell with a double A
Get ready, spellers, for that day:
Everybody's gonna pray...
---
Who's that yonder dressed in puce,
(Let my people go!)
Must be the people that Aaron duped...
(Let my people go...)
---
This train is bound for Aaron, this train
This train is bound for Aaron, this train
This train is bound for Aaron
It's gonna bring stuff to him and it's gonna turn round again
This train is bound for Aaron, this train
---
All my trials, Aaron, soon be over.

I had a little Aaron he said to me
To waste some time, use Unix B....
All my trials, Aaron, soon be over.

If religion were a thing that money could buy
Oral Roberts would be a real rich guy
All my trials, Aaron, soon be over.

Too late my Aaron, too late, but never mind
All my trials, Aaron, soon be over.

There is a tree in Paradise
The Regents cut it, for college nine
All my trials, Aaron, soon be over.

---
It was poor little Aaron, (Yes, yes!)
He went to Financial Aid, (Yes, yes!)
Didn't have no grants, (Yes, yes!)
Wasn't that a pity and a shame, O Lord, wasn't that a pity and a shame.

It was poor little Aaron, (Yes, yes!)
Didn't have no work-study, (Yes, yes!)
Had Perkins loans instead, (Yes, yes!)
Oh wasn't that a pity and a shame, O Lord, wasn't that a pity and a shame.
---
When College Eight
Its name comes in
When College Eight, its name comes in
We all know, it really should be Priven
When College Eight its name comes in.
---
I got a home in that rock, don't you see.
I got a home in that rock, don't you see.
I got a home in that rock, Aaron says that folk is hot.
I got a home in that folk, don't you see.
---
Aaron row the boat ashore (Hallelujah!)
Aaron row the boat ashore (Hallelujah!)

Aaron's engine done conked out (Hallelujah!)
Aaron's engine done conked out (Hallelujah!)

Aaron gets carsick and seasick (Hallelujah!)
Aaron gets carsick and seasick (Hallelujah!)

What the hell is Aaron doing here (Hallelujah!)
What the hell is Aaron doing here (Hallelujah!)
---
I know this joke is getting really old for y'all, especially since
you probably don't know the songs these are based on, but *I'm* 
having a blast...
Free-Stuff> 

Aaron Priven's introduction to the 1990 Course Review

This is most of my introduction to the 1990 Course Review, which can be briefly described as the student guide to classes at UCSC.

I was quite humbled when I submitted it as a sample copyediting assignment with about forty deliberately placed errors, and got back about eighty corrections. Oh well. This is, I believe, quite close to the printed version.

---

About a year ago, I had the Friday evening shift at the Merrill College Library. One night, about six, a young Berkeley-educated professor came in from the faculty annex next door, complaining that he had been locked out of the building with his keys inside. I told him to call the proctor, which he did, but x2100 was busy. I suggested then that he go tot he Merrill maintenance shop under "B" dorm, to see if someone there had the key. Instead, he picked up the phone and dialed the emergency 911 number. "Hello, this isn't an emergency, but I'm a faculty member and --" The operator hung up. He then went down to "B" dorm, where he found someone who let him in.

I bring this anecdote up here because it symbolizes, to me, the dangers of losing contact between students and faculty. At many universities, everyone fits into their proper place; each rank -- administrator, department chair, full professor, associate professor, assistant professor, lecturer, graduate student, upperclassmen [sic], lowerclassmen [sic] -- has its own privileges, to which those lower in the hierarchy have no claim. (It is sometimes more specific than this; for example, Berkeley's "NL" parking spaces, for Nobel laureates only.) The young professor wasn't really being so egotistical as to think the whole campus would stop just so he could get his car keys; to him, it was natural that it should place more importance on a faculty member's needs than on anyone else's. It made perfect sense in the elitist system in which he was educated. Perhaps "indoctrinated" is a better word.

UCSC has traditionally been an alternative to this kind of heirarchical organization. The reason, of course, wasn't because UCSC's alternative education produces faculty who don't think they're more important than emergencies, although this is definitely a benefit. The reason is because interaction between students and faculty, if not on an equal basis than at least on a basis in which faculty are accessible to students, makes for a much higher quality of education. This is why the college system is here; this is why we traditionally have had small classes. And this is also why the Course Review exists: to provide a forum for interaction between students and instructors, in an effort to improve undergraduate education.

Of course the Course Review can't provide the kind of face-to-face interaction that provides immediate feedback, and it has its other purpose as a student guide to classes. But in an increasingly hierarchical UCSC, it becomes harder and harder to talk to one's instructors. I hope that faculty and students will use the Course Review as a starting point for discussions about their classes and about undergraduate education.

I am spending the '90-91 school year at the University of British Columbia in Canada, as an exchange student. I trust, when I come back for my last year, that UCSC's students and faculty will have convinced the administration to keep shopping for classes; to keep what is left of the college system; to keep small but important programs like Modern Society and Social Thought, Legal Studies, and Creative Writing, that have been threatened; and most important, to let UCSC's traditional lack of hierarchy and overformality continue. UCSC is a special place, in which the ideal that all people should be able to study and learn together has never died. I hope we all can keep it that way.

Praxis of Interior Decoration: Dormitories

I worked on the 1989 and 1990 Course Reviews, the UCSC student guide to classes. The latter year we had some spare time, so we wrote some fake course reviews and put them in the book under the entry "College Zero." This was my contribution. I later wrote a fake narrative evaluation for this course, as if I had been a student in it.

(This was actually a tradition carried forth from an earlier round of Course Reviews -- the book was suspended in 1981 or so and only revived in 1989. "College Zero" refers to the practice of giving UCSC's colleges numbers instead of names, until somebody with big bucks donates money or property to name the college after themselves. The colleges originally were the main academic units and still have some courses under their auspices.)

College Zero

23C (Winter) Praxis of Interior Decoration: Dormitories. P. Ceptor.
enrolled: 23; response; 23; 100%

Respondents, while appreciating the sincerity of the instructor ("Pam's really cool"), generally felt that the material covered did not go beyond the rudiments of the discipline. 52% agreed that "We covered the basics and only the basics." Comments include: "We spent a lot of time on bunk beds vs. separate beds, posters, and about proper replacement for those yucchy dorm chairs -- it was really introductory" and "We didn't go into the advanced stuff: I wanted to learn about moving lounge furniture into the rooms, stacking the desks on other furniture, and walls to separate doubles." However, 9% disagreed: "the section on lofts went over my head."

Forty-six percent mentioned that the required laboratory materials ("Some are born crate, some achieve crateness, and some have crateness thrust upon them") were expensive, but one advised "don't buy them from the bookstore if you can help it; check behind the dining halls." However, 39% felt that the lab work was the best part of the course: "They sure do stack!"

Students suggested that this course would be improved if, in addition to going further into the subject, it would cover proper check-out procedures. One added: "And why is it being offered in Winter? We need it earlier!"

INC/LTD/CO

Talking Education Blues

If you're not familiar with folk songs and don't know what a 'talking blues' is, it's basically a poem in meter usually accompanied by a banjo. There's a specific tune that's played in the ones I've heard. The ones I know best are the Weavers' Talking Blues, the Almanac Singers' Talking Union, Woody Guthrie's Talking Dust Bowl Blues and Noel Stookey's Talking Candy Bar Blues.

And this one, of course.

I wrote this in my first year at UCSC.

---

Talking Education Blues

You wanna get an education, let me tell you what to do
Gotta get good grades in that old high school
Or a real high score on the S. A. T.
Real unfair if ya wanna ask me
Sure ain't based on ability
Or desire.
And don't even mention financial need.

Well you get to university and you find
Things that'll help you build your mind
Like open-book midterms and final exams
Spend two days beforehand crammin' and crammin'.
But you know, they say you never forget
Least for a whole hour after the test.
Maybe longer.
'Course, your eyes won't come through it any stronger.

Well, after you take that old class
Comes round another one ya gotta pass
Or if you don't, you're on the street,
One thing at college that can't be beat:
Student Loans.
Perkins, Stafford, the boys out to get you.

Well, you pass your major and GEs
Done got out with your degree
And now it's time to get to work
Got a boss who's a real jerk
The Company, it pays high wages
But the labor surely doesn't engage
The enthusiasm.
Or the interest.
I went through four long years of that, for this?

Indecisive Studies

When I first got to UCSC in 1988, a number of my hallmates got in a conversation about majors, and we asked one hallmate what her major was going to be. She said she hadn't decided yet. I wrote this major for her. She and other hallmates were originally listed as "professors." Also, the buildings I used for the "in its upcoming move" line have changed through the years. I believe they were originally planning to move to Nat Sci III, a building now long since built. I finally quit trying to keep up with the frantic pace of UCSC construction.

This may not be at all funny without the background of what UCSC's catalogs look like, but what the heck.

---

Indecisive Studies


Faculty and Professional Interests

   Hoo K. Aires, Professor of Politics, Stevenson
   Diplomacy and the open mind, undifferentiated products 

   May Bhee, Associate Professor of History of Consciousness, Kresge
   East Asian indecisiveness

   Vic R. Bray, Lecturer of History of Consciousness, Oakes
   Tudor-era indecisiveness, agnosticism, Olivier's Hamlet
 
   C. Ross Campus, Professor of Education, Merrill 
   Academic advising, class shopping, university administration 

   Knot Know, Professor of American Studies, Cowell
   Procrastination, hypocrisy, history of "No Comment"

   P. R. Haps Nott, Assistant Professor of Astronomy and Astrophysics, Porter
   Quantum uncertainty principle, indecisiveness from the cosmic perspective

   Aaron R. Priven, Professor of Sociology, College Eight, Coordinator
   Western cultural indecisiveness, mostly

Scope 

   The Indecisive Studies Committee is at this time (it is believed) a group 
of faculty members (well, they could be faculty members; frankly, we've never 
checked) who have not yet decided that they want to help students who are 
similarly irresolute. The Committee may possibly like to see students who are 
unsettled about their academic interests and are indetermined to continue on 
in such a fashion in the future. The Committee may offer a path for students 
with any possible interests, except perhaps psychobiology (well, maybe even 
that). 
   The Committee has recommended in the past (although this may change 
without notice) that incoming students prepare themselves in many different 
subjects, although theater arts and engineering courses are stressed on 
alternate Thursdays. (Or was that Tuesdays?) 
   The Indecisive Studies Committee office was last known to be located at 
313 Merrill, and could be telephoned at 459-2850, but the office furniture 
and supplies have been put in storage at Hahn Student Services in preparation 
for a move to the new College Eight facilities (or was that Natural Sciences 
IV?). 


Requirements for the Major

   Eleven or so courses and something of a comprehensive are required for a 
B.A.  Those requirements are (at press time): 
   Introduction to Indecisiveness, Perhaps (course 10). This 
course may provide a basic study of modern indecisiveness for those who are 
not sure they want to enter the major. 
   Sort-Of-Advanced Indecisiveness (course 100). This has given 
students (in the past) a strong foundation in whatever the fundamentals of 
Indecisive Studies are. 
   Two upper-division courses from each division, and two from the arts. Arts 
courses may not be used to satisfy humanities requirements except in years ab 
urbe condita divisible by 3. 
   One other upper-division indecisiveness course, well, unless you don't 
have time this quarter. 
   Completion of an oral comprehensive examination or senior thesis. 
Alternatively, this requirement may be satisfied by doing the coordinator's 
laundry for a month, if the coordinator doesn't get too nervous about being 
found out. 


Lower-Division Courses

10. Introduction to Indecisive Studies, Perhaps
   Introduction to what might be the major.  May discuss the nature of 
indecisiveness and why people don't choose to become indecisive. Or do they? 
Maybe you can find out.  Studies indecision, frustration, and the burdens of 
choice.  Field study in the 5th week at Baskin-Robbins. (General education 
code: either IH, IN, or IS, but nobody's really sure.) The Staff 

42. Student-Directed Seminar.
   Seminars taught sometimes by upper-division students under faculty 
supervision (but not necessarily much of it). (See course 193, or was that 
192? Whatever.) Prerequsite: consent of instructor and a note from the 
chairperson of any board beginning with "C" or "E."

80. Topical courses.

These courses probably deal with a single subject, somewhat in-depth. That's 
the intention, anyway. 

   Q. Hypocrisy and Cowardice in 1950's America.
   Might well deal with McCarthyism and the refusal of many to commit to it. 
Discusses the reaction (or lack of it) by the moderate-to-liberal business 
community and media to the assault upon leftist groups by the House Un-
American Activities Committee, and in doing so will try to find out what an 
un-American activity is anyway. (General education code: T, usually.) K. Know 

   Z. Strategies for Course Selection 
   All (well, most) about courses at UCSC and how to avoid picking yours 
until the last minute, if even then. How to shop for classes, how to attend 
two different classes at the same time for at least the first week, tutorials 
on Add/Drop Petitions and Late Fee Waiver Petitions. (General education code: 
T, W for designated sections.) C. Campus 


Upper-Division Courses


100A. Sort-of-Advanced Indecisiveness.
   Mostly a continuation of studies from course 10. Goes into vacillation, 
incohesiveness, confusion, and coin-tossing, and the effects on American and 
world society. Priority given to majors and people who say "please" a lot. 
Prerequsite: course 10, or an equivalent course at another institution. A. 
Priven, K. Know 

100L. Sort-of-Advanced Indecisiveness Laboratory (.2 course credit).
   Laboratory sequence studying some (but not all, probably) of the topics 
covered in 100A. One about three-hour laboratory section per week. 
Prerequisite: concurrent enrollment in 100A (or promising you will take it 
real real soon). The Staff 

120A-*B. The Western Tradition.
   Studies the way indecisiveness has progressed in the West. A: Begins with 
Greek and Roman indecisiveness and continues through indecisiveness in the 
Middle Ages and the Renaissance. Special seminars on Hannibal: to stay in 
Italy or to return to Carthage; and on Jerome's literary decisions.  Special 
unit on the English Reformation. B: Post-Renaissance indecisiveness.  English 
public opinion during the Revolutionary War, French monarchism and 
republicanism, Haiti's status as a colony, and American isolationism. A: A. 
Priven, V. Bray; B:  A. Priven, H. Aires 


140. Eastern Indecisiveness.
   Indecisiveness in Eastern religions and the works of Eastern philosophers, 
including Confucian, Daoist, Buddhist, Vedic, and Shinto thought. (Well, I 
guess including that... I really haven't made up my mind yet.) Also studies 
uncertainty within the Eastern religions' world view, if there is any. M. 
Bhee 

163. Uncertainty in Modern Physics
   Analysis of the uncertainty principle: Schrödinger's and Heisenberg's 
revelations and what they mean to modern science, philosophy, and religion. 
Relation of the uncertainty principle to indecisivism and the way in which 
indecisivists have affected modern physics. P. R. H. Nott 

187. Study for the Comprehensive Examination.
   Reading and discussion under individual direction (if you can decide what 
to read and what to discuss). Required of majors who are taking the 
comprehensive examination, unless you complain to the coordinator enough. 

192. Directed (sometimes) Student Teaching.
   Teaching a lower-division seminar (if anybody shows up) under some 
(usually not much) amount of faculty supervision. (See course, uh, 42.) 
Prerequisite: upper-division standing (or sitting, if you have a broken leg); 
submission of a proposal supported somewhat by a faculty member willing to do 
what passes for supervision. The Staff 

195A-B. Senior Essay.
   Preparation for the senior thesis over one or two quarters normally 
including the middle quarter of the senior year. If taken as a multiple-term 
course, the grade and narrative evaluation submitted for the final quarter 
will apply for the first quarter unless a Petition to Erase the Evil IP is 
filed. The Staff 

196. Coordinator's Laundry. 
   Students selecting this method of fulfilling the comprehensive requirement 
may take this class to receive credit for the work.  Due to odiferous 
footwear, prospective students with olfactory nerves are cautioned against 
taking the course. A. Priven 

198. Independent Field Study.
   This course is to provide for off-campus work for credit. Only offered to 
nonmajors because no Indecisive Studies major could decide where to go. The 
Staff 

199. Tutorial.
   Independent projects carried out under supervision of the faculty, or at 
least part of it. Prerequisite: bribery of the coordinator. 

Isadore and Its Man

I had a class called "Humanities" in my senior year of high school; it was basically field trips for credit, both big group field trips and little individual field trips (there were many and you picked a set of them). One of the individual field trips was to Bay Tree Park in San Mateo, where there was (naturally enough) a large bay tree, older than the development around it. One of the assignments (we were to pick one of five) to complete after visiting it was to write a story. It was later published in the high school literary journal, One Hand Clapping.

I imagine it being rendered into a teleplay. "POV shot: Tree."

---

Isadore and Its Man

The man sat at the base of the tree, explaining.

"They want to cut you down, Isadore. They want your wood. They don't understand about you. But I'll talk to them. I'll make them understand!"

The tree with the name Isadore simply stood. It closed up its stamens, for night was falling. It went to what we must call sleep -- for no human can understand the nature of trees -- until the next day. The man put out his fire and did the same.

When the sun reached the topmost needles the man was gone. The tree with the name Isadore didn't know that. It only knew that the warmness against its body was gone, but the sun's energy was back and it could produce again. Water and food circulated in its bark. It grew slightly larger -- the tiniest portion of a small ring. The tree grew and circulated and photosynthesized all that day, and the next.

On the third day the man was back. The tree did not know that the man was back. The man said, "Isadore, they're going to make me move. They're going to take me away from you. But I won't let them! I need you, Isadore! I can take care of you!" The tree with the name Isadore felt its leaves shake as wind from below brushed them.

The next day the man was there again. The tree began to understand -- although trees cannot understand in a manner that is sensical to humans -- that another being was in its area. A being who made the wind move, a being who was warm and sometimes created hotness. The tree with the name Isadore could not hear the man or see the man but he felt the closeness of the man when the man was there. It began to recognize the presence of the man.

For many weeks -- the tree did not know or care how many, and indeed it could have been three days or ten years -- the man stayed. He fed the tree with nutritious chemicals and the tree protected him from sun and rain. The man spoke to the tree, and the tree spoke to the man. Neither comprehended, but both knew "friend".

Then weeks later -- or it could have been years, or days -- another man came. The tree did not understand. How could there be two of Man? There was only one tree, one Isadore (although the tree did not know that the man called it Isadore). The second man spoke to the first man, but it was not the same way that the man spoke to the tree. The second man was unpleasant. The tree wished that the second man would leave. The man felt so too, although how the tree knew this it had no idea.

The second man spoke to the first man for a little while longer and then left. The tree was happy -- although trees cannot be happy in any way understandable to humans. The first man went and spoke to the tree, leaning against it, as he had done so many times.

"They're going to call the Forest Service on us, Isadore. They're going to cut you down. The companies want your body." The tree felt dew along its trunk. For some reason it was not happy any more. It felt very sad, or something as close to it as a tree can be.

The next day many men came. Some of the men were taking the first man away. The tree wondered -- as much as a tree can wonder -- why he was leaving. The tree wondered if he would come back.

The other men were doing things the tree didn't understand. Some of them felt around the tree with a tape. Others stuck sticks in the ground and made marks on a flat thing with a small stick. But the sun was falling so they left.

They returned the next day. They got a large metal flat thing -- totally foreign to the tree. The men got next to the tree with the large metal flat thing. They started to cut.

The tree screamed, and the man heard.

Red Pen

I wrote this in the hour after an unhappy incident with a student teacher in my junior year of high school. (Writing this was without question the most productive time I ever spent in trigonometry class.) It was published (the next year) in the school literary journal, One Hand Clapping. Since the story is essentially true up to the third paragraph, it was amusing to the students who remembered the incident when it was published.

We used "Ralph Peterson, Jr." as a standard anonymous name on the literary journal after he had been run as a fake candidate for student body president the year before. (I took it upon myself to run him for Student Union Assembly chair at UCSC in 1989; I don't have any of the posters we produced for him, though, or I'd put them up here.)

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RED PEN

Ralph "Papa" Peterson

The student came into the class angry. He didn't like the teacher; he didn't like the work she assigned; he didn't like the books she made him read. But he came. He sat down peaceably. The bell rang. Announcements were read. Papers were passed back. his essay was dotted with corrections that -- more often than not -- were arbitrary. His anger increased. Dittoes were passed out.

He corrected a ditto, giggling and smirking. He found many mistakes. More than she had found on his essay. He giggled as he marked with red felt-tipped pen. He wrote, "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach," in big dark red letters. He finished. He waited for the right moment, giggling to himself. Then he handed the red-splotched paper back to the teacher.

She was not pleased. She stood in front of the student's desk. She said, "Come outside."

The student replied, "Red pens. Three touches." She nodded.

They went into the hall. Another teacher came. The second teacher officiated. The student and the first teacher began walking apart. They turned to face each other.

The officiating teacher shouted, "Go!" They began. They thrusted. They parried. They lunged. The teacher scored, the student's sweater acquired a spot. Then the student scored. A red splotch appeared on the teacher. The end was in doubt. But twice more the student scored. Two more blood-red marks were found on the teachers coat. The second teacher called it over.

The teacher and the student slowly reentered the class. The other students stared. The old teacher took the student's desk. The student went up to the podium and spoke.

"Let's continue, class."

Stopping by the typewriter on a sultry evening

This was dedicated to my high school English teacher.

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Stopping by the typewriter on a sultry evening

(To M. C.)

Teacher this is I think I know.
His room is in the hall below;
Essays I write have made me fear
The grades I get, so very low.

My typewriter must think it queer
To start without an idea near.
I go on as my fingers ache
As on the page the words appear.

It gives its line-end bell a shake
As through the book my fingers rake.
I only hope I'm ab'l to leap
To bed before the dawn shall break.

To doze leads on to something deep,
But essay mine, it will not keep;
I've pages to write before I sleep,
And pages to write before I sleep.

What, Definitions? What's a Definition?

I got pretty bored in my high school chemistry class (although not so bored as I was the next year when I repeated it, having gotten a D -- because I never did any homework, not because I didn't understand it). When we received an assignment to write a story (or an essay, or something, I don't remember now) using a bunch of chemistry vocabulary words, I jumped at the chance to do something interesting, and at that point I felt getting a low grade on this assignment was worth it for the jokes. (As it happens, he didn't take off much for words I misused, only words I didn't get right in the first place -- for example, the word was "base" not "basics," and freezing points are lowered, not elevated. But there was a big "Don't do this again!" written on the paper.) My silly teacher let me read this in front of the class -- not the way to encourage me to do good work, even if he did precede my reading with "this is an example of what not to do."

Still, I had changed my mind about this being a good idea by the next year.

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What, Definitions? What's a Definition?

Alistair continued driving up the mountain road. It was winter, and he was on his way to his ski-cabin on Mount Dooright in the Sierras de Luz in northern Coloflornia, one of the Federated States of Vespucia. He saw a sign by the road. "Cation! Falling Rocs!" A gigantic bird fell from the sky and missed his Bristol convertible by two inches. Two more signs, pointing out two rock formations, read: "Boiling Point: Elevation 2426m" and "Freezing Point: Elevation 3101m." It was mid-November, and the posters for electroned officials and proton and conton various propositions were still up. A military truck went by and the people on it soluted him, ostensibly because he was wearing a doorman's uniform. He didn't think it was funny, but what was he to do? He was a doorman. It was cold, and he closed the solvent that let the air into the car.

He continued to his cabin. A homogeneous mixture of white fluffy aqueous precipitate had fallen on the ground around his cabin, in contrast to the heterogeneous pollution found near the road. He found some needles and other paraphenalia from the previous owner's addiction to acid, but Alistair was down to basics. He turned on the electrolytes so he could see better; it was a dark cloudy day. He went to the kitchen, where he saw some horribly green anion rings from a hamburger joint and a box of salted crackers. He went and unpacked his brand-neutron telescope -- he liked to look at stars when he wasn't in the city. Moons were good too, and he remembered the view he got of the Galilean satellite Ion once -- what a sight! He had a solubility telescope for sun-viewing at home, too.

As he put away his telescope, readying himself for bed, he looked out the window at a gopher, digging with high molarity. He smiled. Tomorrow would be a good day.